The Reluctant Robot

Life is good right now. It really is. There's not much that I can complain about. Yet... I've realized that there's still something wrong with me that I haven't been able to fix. Not being able to find a remedy is frustrating cuz these days I feel like I can fix anything. Got a problem with health? Go see the doctor. Having relationship issues? Lets talk it out and then hug it out. Short on the funds? We can get the books straightened out. There's a solution for everything. Right? Well, the thing that I am struggling with seems to have no quick solutions.

What I'm talking about is a creative block that I've been stuck with since leaving Emily Carr in 2002. Something happened to me during this time. I mean I definitely failed in various projects in the later years at school and have felt shameful of some presentations. I understand this and I've gotten over it. The trauma of all that happening can only last so long. I also believe that one learns more by failing. So I get it... I'm not going to be bothered by past failures and I shouldn't be afraid of any new failures.. f*ck it just bring it on.... yet I'm still left with the problem of a blank canvas. 

I wouldn't say I've done absolutely NOTHING creative in the past 6 years... in reality I've done many different things.. some of which I'm proud to say that I did. Though it never came as easy as it used to.. and it doesn't feel like its completely me. I know what it is... I haven't found the creative vessel that I can pour all my guts into yet. I know I have the skills, but I'm on auto-pilot, a robot. A reluctant robot.

I've been given many interesting projects in my "career" as a graphic designer. A bunch that my brain had latched onto.. thinking how great would it be if I got this video game done, or this graphic tee, or how bout this restaurant branding. It all seemed so exciting and I felt that I had the skills to do all of it, but something wasn't clicking. When I was faced with the work, my heart said NO. And it was always a big enough NO that I actually feel heartbroken. I would complete some projects and wouldn't with others... hating the process every time. Just turn off all my feelings and hope that the auto-pilot could complete the job.

I just don't get it. My brain just won't function without my heart's permission.

Something happened. I don't know what.

A part of me died or was left behind...

but I must press on. I'm not good at doing anything else.

I draw to work. I work to live.

I think I need to lock myself in the “LAB” for a good long while. I need to be Dr. Frankenstien and find the god in me. Not to be sacrilegious or anything. What I mean is I have to force myself to learn how to be creative again. Or to be a creator. A producer. My career depends on it.