What I'm talking about is a creative block that I've been stuck with since leaving Emily Carr in 2002. Something happened to me during this time. I mean I definitely failed in various projects in the later years at school and have felt shameful of some presentations. I understand this and I've gotten over it. The trauma of all that happening can only last so long. I also believe that one learns more by failing. So I get it... I'm not going to be bothered by past failures and I shouldn't be afraid of any new failures.. f*ck it just bring it on.... yet I'm still left with the problem of a blank canvas.
I wouldn't say I've done absolutely NOTHING creative in the past 6 years... in reality I've done many different things.. some of which I'm proud to say that I did. Though it never came as easy as it used to.. and it doesn't feel like its completely me. I know what it is... I haven't found the creative vessel that I can pour all my guts into yet. I know I have the skills, but I'm on auto-pilot, a robot. A reluctant robot.
I've been given many interesting projects in my "career" as a graphic designer. A bunch that my brain had latched onto.. thinking how great would it be if I got this video game done, or this graphic tee, or how bout this restaurant branding. It all seemed so exciting and I felt that I had the skills to do all of it, but something wasn't clicking. When I was faced with the work, my heart said NO. And it was always a big enough NO that I actually feel heartbroken. I would complete some projects and wouldn't with others... hating the process every time. Just turn off all my feelings and hope that the auto-pilot could complete the job.
I just don't get it. My brain just won't function without my heart's permission.
Something happened. I don't know what.
A part of me died or was left behind...
but I must press on. I'm not good at doing anything else.
I draw to work. I work to live.
I think I need to lock myself in the “LAB” for a good long while. I need to be Dr. Frankenstien and find the god in me. Not to be sacrilegious or anything. What I mean is I have to force myself to learn how to be creative again. Or to be a creator. A producer. My career depends on it.